Lando Erif - an off-side story :: Don't Get Into a Staring Contest With the Mountain Dudes

Early mornings. Video calls to the other side of the world. Critiquing, brainstorming, writing tips giving, theme assisting.

Basically this week has been crazy.

But today I'm dropping in here with a proof that homeschooling is the best. This is how the story goes.

One day, my history book told me that I had to write an essay about the cold war. I was feeling uninspired, so I asked my teacher/mum/most-wonderful-mother-in-the-world if I could write it in story-style instead. And she said "okay, as long as it still has the information in it that it needed and everything." (or something along those lines)

So I wrote my cold war essay, as if Lando had written it, and it was so much fun. Wherefore I am going to share it with you today.

Hope you enjoy this surprisingly educational Lando story...essay...thing.

The Cold War – told by Lando Erif

You remember that history lesson you had on the Cold War?

Neither do I.

It never made much sense to me really. Two countries threatening each other but never actually doing anything? Just why?

And besides, what’s the fun in that?

I know, I know. Nuclear bombs, what’s more exciting than that?

Dragons for one, but I guess I’m biased.

Vegemite sandwiches are surprisingly exciting too, though you wouldn’t know it unless you knew me.

But I suggest we keep it safe, and I’ll stay as the anonymous author of this Cold War story.

This is my point of view on the whole thing.

I can’t guarantee much historical accuracy.


It all started with a dude called Usa.

And another dude called Ussr.

Usa was big and strong and half the world loved him.

Ussr was big and strong and half the world loved him.

It was really just asking for trouble.

They used to be best bros and had great times smashing things together, but then they started getting a bit full of themselves.


They were hanging out in Europe having fun cleaning up after the Second World War. It was a big job, lucky they were both big guys.

I guess they were getting a little tired and all, and probably sick of having people mix up their names. It finally got on Ussr’s nerves.

Usa was being an idiot, playing around and tossing aeroplane wrecks around for fun. He turned to his friend, flexing his muscles. “I’ll bet I’m stronger than you now,” he taunted, balancing a navy ship on his thumb.

Ussr glared. “You do, huh? Try me.” Without waiting for Usa’s answer, he stomped away toward Russia.

“Hey guys!” he yelled, storming up. “I’m the greatest.”

Naturally they all believed him.

I don’t blame them. I mean, what can you say when a super-powerful dude comes crashing into your country? It’s either obey him or run away screaming.

Unfortunately, running away screaming wasn’t much of an option. Ussr was strong, and he didn’t want anyone running to Usa for protection.

He was the greatest.

It wasn’t long before Usa heard what was going on.

“Seriously man?” he asked, strolling over to Russia in five minutes. “You think that’s super?”

“You come any closer and I’ll blast you with my nuclear powers,” Ussr threatened.

As you can see, the friendship went downhill fast.

“Hahahaa, nuclear powers. I like that. Like you’ve got any nuclear pow—YIKES!”

Ussr pulled out a handful of nuclear bombs from his jacket pocket, waving them under Usa’s nose

Usa did the only sensible thing.

He ran.

Back in America, he started plotting. Ussr had tons of those bombs but he wasn’t the only one who could make them. And Usa had an even better plan.

He lay low for a while, building up his nuclear bombs and his minion armies and his strength by eating plenty of French fries.

Finally he was ready to make his big move.

After eating one final plate of French fries, he stepped over to Europe again.

“Hey peeps,” he grinned at the European countries. “I got me a plan.”

And before you could say ‘pass the fries’ Usa created Nato.

Nato was a big guy.

As big as Usa and half on Europe combined. Lucky thing, because he was made to totally smash Ussr, and Ussr weren’t no midget.

“He’s perfect!” Usa yelped. “Come on, bro,” he said. “Let’s go blow some heads.”

Naturally Ussr saw them coming.

A guy like Usa must be hard to miss, but Nato?

He was like a walking Eiffel Tower.

No, scrap that, he was like a walking mountain.

Ussr sat in his fortress for a moment longer, letting his enemies approach. He chuckled evilly.

They had no idea.

In that time Ussr hadn’t been idle.

He may have been eating a couple of famous Russian pancakes, but mostly he’d been playing with bombs.

As Usa and Nato stormed through Germany, he decided they’d gone far enough.

“Go get ‘em, Warsaw,” he said, waving his hand casually.

Suddenly some super-fast something crashed down in front of Usa and Nato. A massive wall cut straight through Berlin.

Now that is some super-fast wall building.

Usa totally freaked. “What’s going on?” he yelled, watching all the terrified little people scurrying about on the streets. “USSR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU COME OUT NOW OR I’LL BLAST YOUR FACE.”

Technically that doesn’t make sense but hey! He didn’t have much time to think up a response.

If I’d been Ussr, I would’ve run for my life. But Ussr just did his evil laugh (mwahahaha) and strode up to the fuming Usa.

“Hello Usa,” he said, spinning a long bomb between his fingers. “Who’s this midget you’ve got with you?”

Usa’s eyes widened. Nato’s eyes narrowed.

“I am no midget,” he rumbled.

Have you ever met one of those massive guys who make the ground vibrate when they talk?

Nato was like that.

Only it was a full on earthquake.

Dude, he was terrifying.

And no one likes being called a midget by their enemy.

Nato pulled a fistful of bombs from his pocket, glaring at Ussr.

Things were about to get nuclear.

Even Ussr quailed back.

I don’t know what would’ve happened then, but Warsaw chose that moment to return to his master for a nice tasty reward.

When he materialised out of nowhere, everyone jumped.

Ussr regained his confidence. Usa quaked in his boots.

“It seems, Usa, that while you were distracted a while back, you missed a major development.” Ussr gestured upward to the towering Warsaw. “Please meet Warsaw Pact. Warsaw, say hello.”

Warsaw grinned widely with a ‘hi enemy, wanna die?’ kind of look. “Warsaw says hello.”

If you thought Nato’s earthquake voice was bad, Warsaw’s was totally nuclear.

All the humans shrieked and ran for cover. The bricks of the Berlin wall trembled and Warsaw almost wrecked all his hard work. The ice in Switzerland melted off the mountains, and everyone in Hungary stopped being hungry.

It was like an explosion.

A nuclear explosion.

And he’d only said hello.

Yup. Things totally just went nuclear.

“Where did that thing come from?” Usa demanded, trying to stop his knees from knocking together too loudly.

“This.” Ussr patted the huge guy’s shoulder (man, you’d have to either be very brave or very crazy to do that. I’m thinking Ussr was a bit of both) “This is my military alliance with East Europe. Surely you must have noticed him before?”

“I didn’t eat that many French fries,” Usa protested.

Meanwhile, Nato and Warsaw were looking each other up and down.

That, to begin with is more than I could do. I’d just have to look up and up.

Next to Warsaw, Nato looked like nothing.

If Nat was a mountain, Warsaw was Mount Everest.

No kidding, the guy was huge.

Those French fries must’ve been really good, or Usa would’ve noticed him earlier.

Things could’ve gotten messy just then, but Warsaw had just built a massive long wall at light-speed. That’s gotta be tiring.

He didn’t feel much like bashing things just then.

And Ussr hadn’t given him his medal for breaking the wall-building world record.

“Warsaw hungry,” he rumbled, causing half of the Spanish population to start speaking Latin. With that, he turned and strode back toward Russia.

“Uh, time for a tactical retreat, Nato,” Usa suggested, backing away slowly.

Leaving a few minion armies behind to clean up the mess, they returned to America. Usa sank into his chair, ordering a tableful of French fries. “Phew, that was close.”

Nato just stood, glaring across the ocean at Warsaw.

Warsaw looked up from his lunch and grinned a ‘hi enemy’ grin again.

As I said, the guys were massive.

This went on for quite a while. Warsaw and Nato over-sea glaring. Ussr chuckling evilly in his fortress. Usa drowning his woes in French fries, hoping for a brilliant break-through plan.

Every now and then the now-arch-enemies would stretch and head off to taunt and threaten each other with bombs and nuclear explosions and broccoli soup.

Little minion armies grew bigger, and got glaring lessons from Nato and Warsaw. Unfortunately they had to stand a little closer together for their presence to be quite as foreboding.

Meanwhile, neither Nato or Warsaw had blinked.

After such a long time they couldn’t give up, no matter how sore their eyes were getting.

This was a matter of strength. There was no giving in.

But come on, you complain, didn’t you say something about wars? This isn’t a war. And I don’t see anything cold about it.

You’ve got a point. But I’m getting to the cold right now.

Ussr, living in Russia as he did, woke one morning with a really bad case of Autumn flu. His nose started running like mad and his throat was like he’d swallowed a handful of sand.

The worst thing?

He couldn’t do the evil laugh thing anymore because it hurt too much.

It wasn’t long before he got bored.

He quit his fortress and started glaring around Europe. He noticed that Warsaw wasn’t as big and scary as he used to be.

The minions in some-Czech-place-with-a-really-weird-name were misbehaving. They’d even tried to stop some army tanks in some town called Plague.

Or Prague.

I forget which.

You get to pick.

“What, no!” Ussr shouted, getting a really bad coughing fit. “You’re meant to be on OUR side…cough...What’s the deal with that?”

It was a catastrophe that called for immediate action.

“Come Warsaw,” Ussr coughed. “We need to…cough…go…cough cough…Czecho…cough…slovakia…cough cough.”

The two headed off, storming down on Czech in a whirlwind of used tissues.

“What do you…cough…think…cough cough…” Ussr gave up trying to talk, waving his hand at Warsaw to finish.

“Warsaw says, what do you think you are doing?”

His voice might’ve gotten a little quieter than before, now that he was only an ordinary mountain, but it was still scary.

The Czechs checked themselves and ran away screaming.

Warsaw was saved!

But the little rebellions kept chipping away at the mountain’s roots.

He kept on glaring at Nato, but now they were eye-to-eye.

Ussr was getting even more worries now. His cold hadn’t gotten any better and he’d used up Warsaw’s entire supply of tissues.

This was bad news.

He had to get more tissues, but only Usa and Nato had any.

Time to start being scary again.

Ussr and Warsaw stormed across Europe. In Britain an annoying little Peace Pledge Union popped up, but Warsaw totally squashed it.

In half an hour they had reached Cuba.

Nato had seen them coming, of course.

It was hard not to when you’re having a years-long staring contest.

Usa heard his bro’s grunted warning and glanced up from his French fries. When he saw Ussr and Warsaw he went completely nuclear.

“RIGHT. THAT’S IT,” he roared so loud the entire world heard him.

All of Europe, Asia, Africa, America, Australia and everywhere-else-I-haven’t-said-yet held their breath.

“MINIONS! SMASH THEM!” Usa commanded.

What could they do but obey?

I mean, what would you do if a giant guy with smoke pouring out of his ears in mushroom clouds told you to do something?

Me? I’d take the broccoli soup any day.

When Ussr saw the Nuclear-Usa and Nato charging south he was so terrified he fell into the worst coughing fit yet.

“Warsaw…cough cough…I suggest…cough...tactical…cough cough cough…RUN!”

Warsaw agreed and all his minion armies used their own bombs to blast their Cuban fort out of existence.

A tactical retreat (that looked an awful lot like running in terror) was made, and the world let go the breath they’d been holding for a very long week.

Nuclear war temporarily avoided.

And so Nato and Warsaw went back to their staring contest, Usa stopped eating French fries and headed over to Europe so he could keep a closer eye on Ussr.

Ussr? He sulked in his fortress, blowing his nose on bed sheets because his cold still hadn’t gone away.

This could have continued for who knows how long, but luckily for you and me, it didn’t.

Maybe Usa and Ussr just tired of the whole war thing, or maybe Nato and Warsaw talked them into it (because after 40 years their eyes must have been roasted).

Somehow, the two arch enemies met up. Ussr explained, very nicely, about his unending cold, Usa sat nodding sympathetically and…BOOM.

They were best buddies again.

Finally Warsaw blinked and then dissolved into 15 mini Warsaws. Nato went to the optometrist because he was pretty sure he’d gone far-sighted after all that staring.

Usa shared his French fries with Ussr forever onwards.

And Ussr’s cold disappeared like something blown up by a nuclear bomb.


And so it became known as the Cold War, although my teacher assures me it’s not because the USSR had a cold and ran out of tissues, but because there was no actual fighting.

I told her, whatever, but there sure was broccoli soup.

She disagreed on that fact too.

Staring contests?

Another nope.

I ask you, what’s the fun in that?

- end -

AND THERE is the best example of my creative essays that I do for school. Homeschooling is the best and there's no way you can disagree with that.

Disclaimer: I also do write actual essays, but that isn't anywhere near as interesting and only this one really deserves mentioning. Although at some point I might post one of my LotR essays that I have to write for my literature course. (YES. I'm doing a course on LotR. WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT HOMESCHOOLING BEING THE BEST??)


Have you ever done some creative writing instead of an essay?
(I can't be alone here, right?)
What's your favourite subject for school?